Autism Awareness Day 2021: Char Bailey
A gentle reminder: I know you can’t see me, but let me just make it super clear that “I don’t look autistic”... and even more clear that there is NO way to “look autistic”.
I was assigned female at birth and still identify with that gender today, so for people like me, getting an autism diagnosis is tricky. All of the diagnostic criteria around autism is based on boys. As a girl, I was told things like I could have an eating disorder or anxiety, but autism was never brought up. My idea of autism was Sheldon from Big Bang Theory, or Rain Man, I thought autism meant being great at counting and knowing bus time-tables, or not being able to speak at all. If I’m honest, I’d have to say that I welcomed the idea of something other than autism being “wrong” with me.
It wasn’t until my late 20’s that a consistent partner encouraged me to investigate. I started to understand that what I really knew about autism was very little, and the more I learned the more I made sense. That was okay with me for a while, but I didn’t get a diagnosis. I was okay with relating to the traits, I can hyper focus - that’s great for work, I can read a different narrative and see a different perspective - all good things. I learned to use the traits that worked for me to my advantage and put up with/ignore the rest, regardless of the impact it had on me and those around me. My mental health was pretty messy and I lived in a place that I called “burn out city”.
Fast forward a couple of years and I’m single again, something about connecting to others is too hard. No one seems to “get me”, or I’m too “sensitive”, and there are so many misunderstandings. I mean well, but I’m not getting it right. But Autism is magical and it helps me to feel, maybe too much. So much so, that sometimes I have to switch it off but I can use it. I realised that I needed to connect with myself more to make it work with others. I needed help and so I decided to seek a diagnosis. I found the process simple because I used a private doctor, but I know so many other women struggle with their GP’s. My identity is me, so relationships can be tricky, I’ve always seen myself as an alien.
If you ask society, they will label me as queer, but I prefer Char. Autism and queerness are closer in relation than you’d think. As most of us have a different perception of identity, 70% of autistic people identify as non-binary. I don’t, I’m a cisgender lesbian. It was just as tough coming out as autistic as it was saying I’m queer. Like myself previously, the way people see those with autism is warped. I had no idea how powerful I could be after allowing myself to embrace my strengths, acknowledge my needs and communicate them to others. The bright lights hurt my eyes, sound feel like pins poking my ear drums, your touch can burn my skin. And if I ever accidentally step in a drop of water while wearing socks , I will quickly be on the verge of tears (something about that just feels so wrong).
Now I’m out, and proud.
I take all of the great things about being autistic and use them, I simply take my time, with all the challenges. I know autism is something that makes me different, and I now understand that different is not synonymous with worse.
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Words by Char Bailey for Learnest